The Balcony Garden, 2018 edition

Each year we get excited about the idea of a lush green garden on our balcony. The fact that we are north-facing has done nothing to dampen our annual excitement.

Guilt & Excitement

Two feelings I felt a lot before, during, and after leaving my job....and seemingly career...were guilt and excitement. I'd feel excited about all the new possibilities open to me and immediately feel guilty about doing this crazy thing right smack in the middle of my prime earning years. 

Guilt & Excitement

Hittite Portal Lion

Many years ago, I encountered portal lions in the glorious Museum of Anatolian Civilization in Ankara, Turkey. That museum is breathtaking and I would love nothing more than to go back.  

I've always wanted to have portal lions guard my front door. And perhaps one day I will paint a pair in the entrance way. For now, I worked up a small drawing that is a blend of several reference photos.

The Dream: Swimming Orchids

I was wearing a white sun dress and walking behind someone I trusted. She waded into a body of water and I followed. My dress billowed in the water, and strange creatures appeared. They reminded me of orchids, swimming independently. They would surface all around me and simply stare. At no point did I feel threatened by them.

In search of anger I found despair

I set out to explore my feelings of anger in paint. I wasn't looking for something representative or illustrative, which is my default mode. Something representative or illustrative would be understandable, readable to other people. Rather I wanted each stroke and colour to express a feeling or sensation within me. Something expressive would likely only be understood by, and hold meaning for, me. 

I started the painting and about 3/4 the way through the painting I realized I had slid away from my anger, instead I had painted despair. This is expected behaviour. This is my habit. If something makes me feel angry then I will quickly slide to another, more acceptable feeling. I finished the painting anyway. Perhaps I needed to express my despair. 

In Search Of Anger I Found Despair. 18x24. Dec 2017.